it's always about her
every time we chat on msn, it's always her problems, and frankly i'm sick of it
yes, i love her and i want to help her
but how can i solve her problems when i'm over here?
i can't fix up her relationships with her friends
and there's only so many ways you can say 'that sucks' before it becomes meaningless
and now she's stressing about enrolling for uni, when the enrollment hasn't even opened yet
i'm just sick of hearing about it
but then, i can't really complain, can i?
i'm the one who asks her to open up to me
and when i have problems, she's the one i want to tell
it's probably natural though
talking so much, things are bound to get repetitive and boring
but i feel bad for being pissed of at her
and that kind of brings me back to the point of this blog doesn't it?
i feel bad for feeling things i have every right to feel
and then i hate myself that i feel bad about them
sometimes i think i need a counsellor or something
maybe i'll see one at uni
never know
but then there are so many people who are in shittier places than i am
and i wouldn't even know how to describe how i feel
i almost want something bad to happen to me (not anyone else) so i have a reason to feel like this
and that scares me more than anything
i need someone to open up to
someone who knows everything that i am
someone who can tell me that it's okay to feel like i am
maybe someday?

i am what i am

i was listening to john barrowman sing i am what i am, and i realised what i want
i want to get to the point where i can say i am what i am and mean it
where i can know who i am, and yell it out to the world because i'm proud of it
i don't know how long it's going to take me to get there
i don't know if i'll need love or loss or something else to get there
i just know that i want to be sure of who i am
and i want everyone else to know that
i'm nowhere near that now
but at least i know where i'm headed
and that, at the moment, is enough
thank you john
you are an inspiration

sometimes i think i'm just a slightly less fucked up version of ianto.
i have this image i think i have to keep up, not anything anyone has made me do, but who i think i should be
but when things don't fit to that image, i feel ashamed of them
and then i feel bad for being ashamed of who i really am
i thought i'd got rid of that whole being someone because that's what other people expect thing when i left school, but it seems like i'm just as bad as they were
i let people in deeper now - they know the truth about the facts, about my life
but still noone knows how i feel
and i don't know if i can cope with that anymore
sometimes i just want to give up, but the idea of giving up just isn't me, and i don't want to, not really
sometimes i think i need help, but i'm too scared to ask someone in case they look at me differently
sometimes i feel like i'm just not as good as everyone else
but i don't know if i'll ever have the courage to let someone in
i'm not strong
i'm not brave
i can't even tell my best friends the truth, because i'm scared to lose them
i think i need someone new
someone who will be there for me, all the time
someone who can be strong for me and look after me
someone who will love me forever, and who trusts me and who i trust with my deepest secrets
where are you?